Treasure

So this post is more for me to write out because I've been feeling lots of emotions and different things thanks to no more IUD and PCOS causing me to be all wacked out with crazy hormones. Gotta love it. So this is more for me to write as if I were writing in my journal. If you want to read it, great. If not, it's cool. Maybe I'll spark something in you if you choose to read ahead.

So as I've said I'm doing the Biggest Loser 30 day jump start. I don't have super bad self esteem. It hasn't always been great but over the last few years after meeting Scott I've really turned around. I haven't been happy with my weight since I quit playing bball after my senior year in high school. I started to pack on some pounds and then would lose some then gain some and back and forth. So anyway, here I am today, trying to eat right. Trying to get back up after I tripped this past weekend and maybe ate some things I shouldn't have. I am an emotional eater. I know that and I get it but its really hard to tell myself no sometimes. It's like a war in my head with me saying I can get through this. People recover as emotional eaters all the time and I can do it. Then I also have my little "devil" voice telling me oh, just that little bit won't hurt. It will make you relax and feel better. Then I say no, it won't and I'll feel worse later on and it goes back and forth. Sometimes the shoulder angel wins and sometimes the devil does. Depends on the day. But its frustrating and its a challenge and I'm sure its something that will make me stronger when I someday overcome it. Until then I just keep trying.

Alright so there's the background. Well I need constant reminders. I try to think of what I'll look like when I shed a few pounds. I think of how much more I'll be able to do with Charlotte. I think of how I'll hopefully be able to get my body working properly and how a girls body should act with cycles and all instead of having extra androgen messing it all up. I have to always be thinking about how great I will feel and how good I will look when I have one of those moments where the food is calling to me. I'm very careful about what I keep around because I know I'm weak. I don't buy chips anymore unless they are some whole grain tortilla chips. I don't buy ice cream except on the rarest occasion or unless its a skinny cow product. I have to keep the temptations out because I will fall to them. Even if I have the stuff to bake it, I'll make it just to satisfy that craving. I can't get it out of my mind. They say it only sticks around for like 10 min. I swear its all day for me. My mind can't let it go. I am basically addicted to food. I'm fortunate enough that it has never gotten crazy out of control where I'm like 300 lbs. The most I have ever weighed was 222 and that was when they weighed me at the hospital the day I had Charlotte. When I left the 3 days later I was down to 200 already. I really am lucky but I love food and I really have to be careful. So everyday is a struggle and I have to remind and reprogram myself into thinking differently. And so the journey continues.

I've been doing Biggest Loser stuff on and off for over a year now and its changing how I look at things. It will still take time but I'm better than I was. One thing that keeps coming up in church  week after week is "line upon line, precept upon precept." I have heard this all year so far from talks in church to lessons for my Sunday School class. Until tonight, I didn't really make that connection with my weight loss. It's like I've been keeping it separate from a spiritual point of view. But its not. This is part of who I am. This is a challenge I have been faced with and I need to overcome. I am not going to wake up one morning and know that for the rest of my life I will only buy and eat healthy foods and I will have all the time in the world to get any exercise I need to stay healthy and in shape. That's not realistic. This is like any other challenge someone is given whether it be physical or spiritual. I have to get through it step by step. Everything I read recently (especially a quote from the Ensign we read tonight) and everything I learn in church keeps emphasizing this. I have to take one step at a time to overcome this challenge. Another important key... if I'm not doing the things I should be doing daily, it will be that much harder. When you're doing what's right and staying on the right path and making good choices, it will be so much easier to stay strong. The time will be available to do what I need to to stay healthy. Everything else always falls into place when I've got the basics down.

Okay so I hope my thoughts aren't too scattered and if so sorry. But now I get to my next point. In order for me to truly love myself I need to know who I am and where I came from. I get that and always have. Its not something I always remember. I know I'm a daughter of God and I know that I am going to do amazing things while I live here on Earth. I know that I am capable of influencing the youth I teach to be better the rest of their lives because of my love for the gospel and my example. I get that. But do I always remember that? Of course not. But there is this song by one of my favorite bands, Flyleaf. They are all Christian and its not necessarily Christian rock but you can see how it influences their music and can be uplifting. The song I listened to while doing my warm up walk before I ran is called "Treasure." You can read the lyrics here.
But it helps remind me of what I have learned in the scriptures talking about the refiners fire. How ore is put into the fire and heated so the dross can be removed and then all that is left is the precious metal of great value (learned that from EFY... so glad I went so many times!) That's what we all are. We are all being put through this fire to help us become the best we will ever be. So yeah, it really sucks that I will struggle with my weight my whole life. It sucks that I can't just get pregnant like other people. But I am very fortunate that that is the extent of most of my problems. I'm pretty healthy otherwise and have been blessed in so many ways. But whenever I start feeling down or discouraged I love listening to this song and thinking about how amazing I will become when I overcome my challenges. This song definitely gives me hope and helps to keep me going. Even if its a slower song I love to listen to it while I'm running. It keeps me positive.

"Refined I'll become the most dazzling precious treasure, I'll be treasured over all the earth."

I hope that whoever reads this will remember those words. It really has helped me to see myself differently and helped me remember the amazing daughter of God I am.