In Between Thanksgiving and Christmas

So recently I think I've felt a little alone. Not in the sense of my husband ignores me (he totally doesn't) and not in the sense of I have no family (all my family is so close and I see them so often!) but kind of like I don't just have friends. I don't really have people I talk to besides the other YW leaders at activities and then there is visiting teaching and church but just normal every day talking. Once I moved to UT I knew the relationships I had with my friends would never be quite the same but I never imagined it would change as much as it did. The line from Jimmy Eat World's song "The Heart Is Hard To Find" means a bit more now... "I can't compete with the clear eyes of strangers. I'm more and more replaced by my friends each night." There are 3 moments that stick out the most that told me it was never going to be the way it was. The first one was when I had only been gone a couple weeks maybe. I flew out for a friends wedding. I had an awesome friend and her bf (maybe fiance at the time... now her hubby) pick me up and they were so awesome for that. But trying to find a ride back was ridiculous. I don't remember a lot and don't remember all the circumstances. I am good about pushing a lot of things that are not good memories into the back corners of my mind but every now and again I remember them and the pain and its unpleasant. In this case most of the details are gone from my memory but I can remember how I felt like nobody really cared. Nobody would take me to the airport because they were all going to church. I think a couple may have had to teach and I get that but I was kind of amazed I couldn't find help. So after going through my phone and trying to figure out who the heck would help me out (I've never had a huge list of friends... I'm shy like that) I was able to get this guy I knew in high school who I had talked to quite a bit while working at Countrywide and kind of reconnected as friends with before I moved. He was able to take me to the airport. Phew! Made it back home. That was also the scariest flight of my life. Through thunderstorms watching lightning strike in the distance and only like 30 people on the flight, I was alone in the back. Scary. But I survived.

The second time was the night Scott and I got engaged. I think my parents knew about it and Scott's did but I didn't. Well I knew we'd get married (I picked out my ring for goodness sake) but he surprised me with the timing. I didn't expect it for another month. But when he did propose we walked around Temple Square seeing if we could find this Sister missionary who fed Scott a lot on his mission. She was serving at Temple Square and I had met her a few times. She was so awesome. So while walking around I called my friends and definitely didn't get the reaction I had hoped for. I can't remember exactly who I called but they were all together playing games as we had done many times in the past and then I was told they couldn't really talk because they were in the middle of a game. Ouch! That really hurt. It was like nobody cared at all. Scott was really mad and almost called people and told them off... oh dear... Scooter always protecting me. Thank goodness he didn't. That could have been worse. I only had a few friends even come up for the wedding which was even sadder. Maybe it was because I didn't have bridesmaids. Maybe if I would've done that they would have come but the way my reception was I didn't want them to have to fork out money for a dress they'd only wear a couple of hours especially after traveling to UT. I thought I was doing them a favor but maybe I just gave them an out. Either way the ones that did come made my day and I was so thankful for their support. It was huge!

The other time was when I came back for another friend's wedding. I felt pretty ignored. Scott, Charlotte and I traveled all this way and it was like nobody cared to see us minus a couple people. Our first night the bride invited us to this small shower or something at their house and had she not invited us I'm pretty sure we would have sat in our hotel room that night. The next day we were up early and headed to the beach but another friend reached out and set up a play date at the park and then even hooked us up with some discounts for the Ronald Reagan library. I really wanted to see the Air Force One exhibit while in town. That night I told a couple friends we wanted to hang out but I didn't hear back from them until later on when they basically bailed on us. Scott was pretty mad because we were in a small hotel room with a one year old and we could have gone and done something else but waited around and then ended up just having to go to bed because it was getting late. I was glad I did get to see so many people I knew at my friends reception and she really reached out more than any busy bride should before her wedding.

Now I can't say they are all to blame. The years I worked for the hvac company I really lost touch with them. I was so busy. I got up at 5:30 am to leave for work around 6:30am and had to drive to about 21st S in SLC then worked all day until 5 or 6 and would head home. I'd get home in time to make dinner, do dishes and then go to bed for another long stressful day of work. It was a job where I was busy busy busy. On the phone with customers on the phone with techs. At least once a week and at least one weekend a month I was on call where the phones were forward to a work cell phone and I basically had to work from home taking phone calls and sending out my on call tech (best day ever when they finally got an answering service!). So when friends would call it was hard to call back. Then once I quit and was a SAHM I would try to find time to talk to friends. I would call when I'd go for walks. It worked okay for a while then just died off. A year or two ago I kept trying to get a hold of people but would end up leaving message after message and never getting phone calls back. I had one friend that would call every month or so and fill me in since I'm so out of the loop now. We even got to visit with her a couple times since she was in Vegas for a bit but now she's back in CA and I haven't heard from her for a while. I'm sure working and moving has kept her busy.

But I miss my friends a lot. I think it was starting to depress me a bit. I'm not one who suffers from depression but I think it was making me a little sad because I honestly have no idea if I'll ever see these people again. I like to think I will but at this rate I have no idea when I'll be able to go back to visit in CA and some have moved to AZ and I really don't have plans to go there (unless its winter :) ). So I think that is kind of always in the back of my head and I suddenly was feeling alone.

Now I think I have done a pretty good job with myself. I have been reading my scriptures, working on personal progress, trying to be a better mom with more patience (oh do I need patience) and just really trying to grow closer to our Savior. And I know Heavenly Father will help us even when we don't realize we need it. Now the help we received was in more worldly things but the love behind it was just the love I failed to recognize and the love I didn't really know I needed. But I did. And I am so thankful for those who have been angels and listened to promptings and done so much for us and helped me to remember that I may not have my best friends I grew up around me all the time but I have an amazing ward family and neighbors around us who love us and want to help us because of that love.

One of my visiting teachers (well my old ones since we just got new ones) is the RS pres and her and her hubby did something amazing for us. One of my other visiting teachers moved so she had recently stepped in as her replacement until the new changes were made and we talked for a long time and had told her about our car issues but we were taking care of it before Christmas. She came to me a few weeks after we had my dad replace the part. Thank goodness I could swing some money to do that. She said she had wanted to pay for the part and was hoping to somehow find a way to do it secretly but after talking to her husband realized it wasn't going to work very well that way. She didn't want to offend me but she really wanted to give me some money to help get his car running again because she said she couldn't imagine what it was like going 10 months sharing a car. Haha! I told her it wasn't so bad in summer because I got to ride my bike a lot. But we have had to make a little more effort planning when there is snow and ice and I have appointments to go to and what not. So after talking a bit she wrote me a check. I didn't even glance at the amount I just tried not to start bawling like I always do. I cry over everything. I think it was all those years I held it back as a teenager. I gave her a hug and thanked her a million times. When she left I looked at it and it was $200! I had even told her we could register it and all that for under $100. This family is amazing and I am so thankful for their regular temple visits and prayers and listening to the guidance of the Holy Ghost. It was an answer to a prayer I didn't even think I really needed. So we were able to get the safety inspection done on Scott's car and register it and he got an alignment. It needed one really bad. Especially since it might end up being the car we take to St. George next time. We were also able to get oil changes done which were over due. I planned on using Scott's bonus for that but we were able to pay more money to our dentist (that $600 bill was making me uneasy... I had to cut that almost in half). It was the most amazing gift this year.

Then after we received that incredible gift a "Secret Santa" dropped off a cute wood Santa decoration we can use on our porch, a bag for us (with champagne glasses and a bottle of apple cider and $20 to our local theater... we never go on dates so we need to go!), a bag for Charlotte (a coloring book, crayons, big sunglasses, a doll and a little bike she sat on) and a bag for Jackson (a coloring book, crayons, big sunglasses and some army guy action figures). We were just feeling the love. I couldn't believe how thoughtful people were.

We also received a couple other treats from neighbors that are always appreciated. I wish I hadn't been sick so I could have made stuff but I kept getting sick. I have some goals I'm going to try and do this next year so we'll see. Oh yeah and another neighbor came by Christmas Eve I think it was and gave us something I think he said his dad does every year and he's supposed to take it to some people and I guess he chose us. His wife was my other visiting teacher and I work with her in YW. It was a sealed envelope with $50. Really?! I just wanted to cry... again.

As I reflected back on these amazing miracles that really helped us feel like we could take care of things to try to give back to our families a little more than we thought we'd be able to this year, I thought about all these feelings I had felt for years. How I feel like I've lost that connection with my friends. How I felt so alone. I know I never am but Heavenly Father made sure that I really FELT that I truly was not alone. He took those people I see so often at church and in callings and around our awesome little neighborhood and they did some amazing things to remind me that He is mindful of me and they are and that they truly love our family. This isn't the first year our neighbors have blessed us with such wonderful gifts but its taken me this long to really make the connection. Every year I am reminded of this amazing place I live. Our ward is incredible. I have never been in such a great ward. Everyone looks out for each other. We have been so loved and blessed in the past but this year it really is a reminder from my Heavenly Father that he is aware of me and the stresses I face and he not only helped to ease those earthly burdens but gave me the love I didn't really know I needed as well. My testimony is strengthened because of these individuals and needs have been met. I can't imagine anything better than living by people who truly love you and want to uplift you and in the process of just loving with a Christlike love, improve your spirituality. I think that is what I really need. Although I still miss my friends I am thankful to be around those who make me better and make me want to be able to show the same love to those around me.

As I look forward to a new year I definitely want to find ways I can help others and learn to love them the same way our Savior loves them. There are some promptings I have been getting that I really want to act on and can't wait until I'm not sick and hacking up a lung so I can follow those promptings. 2013 may not have started out as planned and may have been rough financially but I think 2014 hold amazing gifts and I wish we could fill these houses for sale and rent so more people can see what makes this neighborhood so unique. I know we were guided here for a reason and I am so thankful that we were. I wouldn't change a thing! :)